VX Church: An Emotionally Healthy Close Pt 5

Posted: September 8, 2011 in christianity, church, personal, theology
Tags: , , , , , ,

I will begin this installment on the sixth principle of emotional health Embracing Grief and Loss with a confession: I have not been myself lately. I admit it. I’m coming apart and that’s a good thing. So much of my life has been invested in being the pastor of VX church that it seems unreal that we are closing. So unreal that I do not know how to be. And that speaks to me. It shows me how much being in this role has defined my life. I have defined myself by what I do. In the past few weeks I have gone from lethargic to hyperactive and back again. In fact the night before I had to preach on this topic I did not sleep at all. I couldn’t place my finger on it and blamed it on too much tea (that theory dissolved after I realized yerba mate has 1/3rd the caffeine of coffee). I have been forgetting things and remembering some things that have been long forgotten. On top of all this I have been trying on more new identities than a pampered rich girl tries on clothes in a Beverly Hills dressing room. To put it simply I have been grieving.

Grieving the fact that relationships will change. Grieving the fact that in a few Sunday morning I will have to choose where to go and what to do. Grieving the fact that I will be on the receiving side of a sermon side and not on the giving side. I am grieving the numerous inside jokes that have developed over the years. I am grieving over the fact that the world will not feel like it’s all on my shoulders and people won’t look to me to help solve their problems. Yes I will even grieve that.

Why? Because it is loss. It is change. In order to adjust to change we have to grieve over the reality that once was. People have been asking what is it like to make a decision to close a church. To be honest when we actually made the decision it was easy because I had prayed and thought about it for months. The hard part came after making the decision. Then my emotions caught up to me. That’s because any loss no matter how much it makes sense affects us in profound ways that we are unaware of. God gives us grieving time for the rest of our self to catch up with reality. I believe that’s why even though Sunday was coming…nothing big happened on the Saturday in between the crucifixion and the resurrection. Jesus’ family and friends cried and mourned their loss. The crowds were gone. There was silence in the grave. Saturday was uneventful but profound. In order to really embrace Sunday it was necessary to sit in Saturday. And that’s what I’m doing right now as I search for a new way to be. And the best thing that I can come up with is…be a child of God.

  1. Rob Reiter says:

    There are still sheep to be fed. And you are still a rock. If you follow Him with your whole heart, what difference if you do it wearing black loafers or steel toed work boots? Be strong, grieve well, love your wife and children. What’s next will be here before you know it.

    • mayotron says:

      Thanks for the kind words of encouragement Robert. Good to hear that I am still a rock when I feel like silly putty ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Marilyn says:

    You have chosen wisely. Grief needs its space and without a stopwatch being placed on it. No timetables. Yes there are real choices and changes to be made that cannot be put off, that cannot wait for you to regain your footing, but God will bring clarity as to what those are. In the meantime, it is good to go forth into each day – one at a time – aware of what you have come down to here in this post, that THIS DAY you want to be a child of God.

    • mayotron says:

      Thanks Marilyn. Your post on setting the clocks showed me that there are no timetables. I haven’t done the grieving thing well precisely because I gave in to the world’s notion of time. Now I am more open to God’s time and it gives me a lot more freedom.

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